I think I died a long time ago.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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