Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
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