5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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