Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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