Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
