Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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