My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
