Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
