apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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