I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
