i need an iv and a liver transplant
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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