Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
