I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
