got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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