I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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