matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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