If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
