Jerry, you need to find god
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
