i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She bit a glass in half.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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