Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
