Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
