Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
