I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize