You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
