I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
and you fell through a lawn chair
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize