This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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