I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
