You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Randomize