Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize