this just has baby written all over it
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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