they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
