We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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