thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
