Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
