this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
