Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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