My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
