I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
