I wish I could punch you in the face.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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