To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize