so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
