my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
