omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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