you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize