i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
