i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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