You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
