how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
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