He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
