There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
