Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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