i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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