1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize