he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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