i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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