just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
