hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
